The Washington Free Beacon, SITE Monitoring, and RealClearPolitics.com have all reported on and, in some cases, posted the footage of a young child, by the looks of him no more than three or four years old, beheading a teddy bear while a man off-camera urges him on. It is horrific stuff, but as I channel my inner State Department, let me just say it’s also crucial that no one jumps to any conclusions.
First, this may have nothing to do with radical Islam, its glorification of death, and its brainwashing of children. Is this boy really anti-bear? Isn’t it possible, nay likely, that Winnie was really a usurping Zionist, seeking to stretch the Hundred Acre Woods from the Nile to Euphrates? Eeyore has always been dispossessed, and it’s time the world recognize the injustice that must have been done to him.
Second, we must be mindful that CAIR (The Council on Animal-Islamic Relations) has issued a press release noting that this incident has nothing to do with Islam and that to say otherwise would be Islamophobic. Indeed, it is quite possible that the bear provoked the boy with its repeated silence in the face of Zionist repression.
The White House has studiously refused to call this act terrorism, but rather a horrendous example of living-room violence, quite possibly brought on by global warming. (When Joe Biden was asked to comment, he got sidetracked and instead cracked an inappropriate ethnic joke, which we will not repeat here).
In fact, the 47 members of the UN Human Rights Council, a forum for the world’s morality, have already voted to condemn the bear, 46-0 (with Botswana abstaining). After all, if morality dictates that the world condemn Israelis for unlawfully intercepting Hamas rockets fired at Israeli kindergartens, then surely the world can see the bear for what he really is. Indeed, Jimmy Carter has already suggested the bear was guilty of apartheid, and Lawrence Wilkerson, Colin Powell’s former chief-of-staff, suggested the bear was really a Likudnik. Indeed, there has been an undercurrent of accusations from senior administration officials suggesting that those expressing condemnation of the child rather than the bear harbor dual Ursino-American loyalties.
What we need to do, to ensure that such incidents occur no more, is to recognize that you don’t negotiate peace with your friends; you negotiate it with families of knife-wielding toddlers. Dialogue can bring peace, as might setting the boy up with a $100 billion trust fund while simultaneously showing good will by offering the boy monitored access to titanium knives and a sharpener.
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