Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2017
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
*checks kid's backpack*
— Tiffany Neal (@tiffanyaneal) May 3, 2017
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) May 1, 2017
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, "told ya."
Welcome to my home! No you're mistaken, it isn't a mess, it's just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
— Ash (@adult_mom) May 2, 2017
My son prayed that his fidget spinner would come a day early and it did so I guess we worship at the church of Prime.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 1, 2017
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 2, 2017
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac 'n' cheese
I've never been a zoo-keeper, but I can't imagine being the mother of small children is much different.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 5, 2017
The expression "do what I say not as I do," was probably coined by a parent eating ice cream before dinner in front of their kids.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 3, 2017
I thought I was patient, but I don't like who I become when I'm singing along to Bohemian Rhapsody's opera part & the kids try to interrupt.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) May 2, 2017
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) May 5, 2017
Me: "Thinking about going to bed early tonight.."
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) May 3, 2017
My kid: http://pic.twitter.com/Q30GQuBz6Y
Nobody tells you how much you are going to say "uh huh" and "wow" when you become a parent.
— Court (@Discourt) May 3, 2017
The best things in life are free. But everything else is really expensive. Especially kids.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) May 2, 2017
No thanks, escape rooms that have somehow become entertainment. Trying to escape my house without my husband & two kids is more than enough.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) May 3, 2017
If you think you're having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn't feel right.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 1, 2017
Welcome to parenting: sighing is your new breath.
— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) April 29, 2017
This
— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 3, 2017
MAMA!
is
MAMA!
what
MAMA!
having
MAMA!
kids
MAMA!
is
MAMA!
like.
If you like to spend 100s of dollars every week on groceries but have nothing in your refrigerator, then raising teenagers might be for you.
— ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s) (@3sunzzz) May 1, 2017
Toddlers never have awkward silences, only nefarious silences.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 30, 2017
Eventually every parent reaches the it's a good thing they're so cute stage.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) May 2, 2017
My kid telling a story: Bends the space time continuum to make 2 minutes feel like 4 hours.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) May 4, 2017
I've had a mini panic attack every Saturday night since Easter that I was forgetting Mother's Day.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 30, 2017
I spend most of time trying to figure out a way to play with my kids without actually moving.
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) May 3, 2017
Parenting tiny humans means they will consistently forget to wipe their own asses, but will never forget where the cookie jar is.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) May 1, 2017
Fidget spinners might be more effective if they had the power of a helicopter and could carry me away from all this.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) May 2, 2017
*eating my sons candy*
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 5, 2017
7yo: *unaware it's his* Can I have one?
Me: Sure
7yo: Thanks best daddy ever!
Me: No prob
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